You’re not an Empath - but You Might Be an Egotist

And Deanna Troi was a fictional character

For a time, it was very fashionable to claim to be an “Empath”, especially within a younger, more malleable cohort. I can’t help but notice this claim creeping back, more widely distributed amongst the middle and elder generations.

And so, like a latter day King Canute I aim to try, and doubtless fail, to hold back an ocean of irritating, and occasionally dangerous, ignorance.

I understand completely

It’s not that I don’t understand your argument, I understand it perfectly, and dismiss it based on facts.

I realise that claiming to be an Empath is your personal ticket to feeling unique, that you have constructed a social identity around this, that you wish to be thought of as having an extraordinary ability to sense, understand, and even adopt the emotions of others.

You want to be regarded as special. But you’re not. At least not so far as empathy is concerned, which is fortunate for you.

You do, however, stand out in one respect—if you’re running around telling people you’re an Empath, you might actually be harmful to those around you.

Empathic is as empathic does

If you find yourself feeling similar emotions to another person, feeling your own distress in response to their distress, and sometimes feeling compassion towards them because of their pain, you are quite probably a person who feels empathy, like most humans.

Feeling empathy means you are a normal* human being, exhibiting standard human traits. Being sensitive towards other people’s emotions is absolutely commonplace and in no way unique or special.

Some feel more empathy than others, but most of the human race experiences empathy to one degree or another and those who don’t often tend towards dark triad traits.

Having experienced the emotional and physical toll of extending too much empathy while working in mental health, I discovered and devised strategies to safeguard myself from an over abundance of this natural human trait, thus ensuring that I didn’t end up in a locked ward myself.

At no point, however, despite strongly experiencing the trait of empathy, did I utter the incorrect phrase “I’m an Empath”.

Because Empaths don’t exist.

Feeling the wind doesn’t transform me into a storm, and feeling empathy doesn’t transform you into an Empath.

Empathy refers to the natural human capacity to comprehend, to a degree, another person's feelings, perspectives, or experiences. It’s not a job, a vocation, or a defining state of existence —and Deanna Troi was a fictional character.

Misconceived

Another misconception about empathy is the notion that because I can understand your feelings fairly well, and put myself in your shoes reasonably successfully, I must therefore be sympathetic and compassionate to you.

Nonsense.

Empathy involves understanding and being aware of another person's feelings and having the ability to see things from their perspective. This does not imply agreement with their viewpoint.

One can empathise with someone, comprehend their emotions and understand their situation, yet still strongly disapprove of or even truly loathe their actions and behaviour.

I may be able to understand the perspective of a child abuser, but I would still execute them, given the option.

Dangerous delusions

From the safe smugness of their personal bias, those who consider themselves “Empaths” can glibly dismiss reactions that don’t fit their world view, beliefs and biases.

If you’ve convinced yourself you’re an Empath, you can convince yourself that others are just in denial when they refute your incorrect claims about their personal lives, situations and feelings.

Believing, falsely, that you’re an “Empath” can lead to over identification, neglect of boundaries, and pushy interfering behaviour. “Empaths” may overstep in relationships due to their false belief in their own higher understanding, and such beliefs impair the ability to provide objective support, potentially harming both the “Empath” and those they have fixated upon.

Sadly, those who believe themselves to be “Empaths” tend to exhibit low levels of genuine empathy, which can quickly become problematic when teamed with the low self awareness required to hold that belief.

Just as those men who invade comment sections demanding that people believe they’re nice guys reveal a stark contrast between their self-perception and their true natures, those who claim to be “Empaths” are usually some of the least empathetic people imaginable.

The difference is that nice guys do exist—while “Empaths”, fortunately for all of us, do not.

So Barbara, to sum up —if you keep making false claims in an attempt at self aggrandisement, we won’t be sitting together at coffee break in the future.

You’re not an “Empath”.

And I’m not a storm. For which you should all be grateful.

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“You will hear thunder, and remember me, and think: she wanted storms” ‐ Anna Akhmatova

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*I’m bringing back normal. There’s been a concerted effort by a mouthy minority to convince everyone that normal is just the setting on a wash cycle. But, in fact, normal just means standard, typical, not unusual. If you’re going to pretend you can’t recognise standard, typical and not unusual you may as well look for the exit now. I’ve little time for disingenous fuckmuppets.