Cheating Is Just Commonplace Abuse

On The Self Satisfied Sermonising of Adulterers

“We rarely discuss the ethics of cheating, we don’t make it clear what cheating is, and we no longer seem to admonish cheaters much at all, accepting instead vagueries and justifications. I think that’s a mistake. Being clear about what cheating really is and what it really does might not change a thing — but obfuscating and condoning cruel practices certainly normalises abnormal behaviour.”

Disclaimer: I’m not your Counsellor. Please don’t make major life decisions based on my opinions.

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I use the word married throughout this piece because it’s easier. If you can’t figure out that it means any serious, committed relationship, I’m sorry (that you’re an idiot).

I also refer to heterosexual relationships because they’re in the majority and, more importantly, the only ones I know intimately. If you want to read about and discuss different types of relationships, you’re about to read the wrong article.

Decent Behaviour Just Isn’t That Complex

One thing I’ve learned is that anybody who tries to normalise abnormal behaviour is unlikely to have much to teach that’s worth learning.

And one of the things I dislike about online clickbait is the number of people who write about how screwing around was really good for them, and was great for their relationship.

Without careful curation I was once inundated by midwitted, self-satisfied, smug betrayers picking the bones out of “reasons” and trying to rewrite the narrative to normalise abnormality and position themselves as flawed but, ultimately, positive people who just happened to destroy other people’s happiness on their road.

So allow me to remind you that there are absolutely no positives to come from cheating. Not a single one.

Always assuming you’re not a psychopath, of course.

Let’s Break It Down

• Any good that might emerge after the ruination of trust and sometimes lifelong misery inflicted on those who loved you could have been achieved by other means.

• Cheating is absolutely never the result of an unhappy relationship. It is the result of a choice to lie to someone who has faith in you.

• If your marriage is unhappy, talk about it or leave. Don’t cheat.

• It is poisonous, aberrant behaviour to repeatedly lie to the face of someone who loves you and trusts you and it’s time we acknowledged that.

The next time you’re listening to a cheater trying to justify themselves you’d do well to remind yourself that you are heeding the words of a proven liar.

Cheaters are liars and liars are dangerous.

If a person will lie to and about their wife/husband and kids, they’ll lie TO and ABOUT you as well.

What makes you so unique, special and deception proof?

If you want people to trust your word, don’t cheat.

But What is Cheating?

It’s all so confusing and complex, right? Gosh, what even IS cheating?!

Well, no, it’s actually very straightforward.

Instead of relying on the obfuscations of self-entitled liars, here’s my own patented explanation:

In the context of a relationship entered into through choice by both parties, if you wouldn’t do it in front of your partner, you’re cheating.

On truly rare occasions it might be acceptable to do something you wouldn’t do in front of your partner, with their absolutely explicit agreement first.

If you’re not sure if you have their agreement or they’d be ok with it, you already know you haven’t and they wouldn’t.

Stick to whatever boundaries you have drawn up for your relationship and nobody will have to pretend they didn’t understand that they were cheating.

Decency and honesty are just not that complex.

Degrees of Dishonesty

There’s a reason why we use the word cheater when we talk about unfaithful partners. To cheat is to act dishonestly and unfairly to snatch an improper advantage.

Obviously, there’s a spectrum of cheating where some are grotesque, unrepetenant and dangerous abusers and some are simply selfish, thoughtless or cruel.

Blatantly lying for weeks, months or even years is worse than lying once.

Kissing strange is not as bad as fucking it.

But refusing to honour commitments and promises is never decent, honest or fair.

If you do that to someone close to you and who trusts you, it shows your character in stark relief.

Enablers

Unlike those choosing to cheat, the enablers — the third vertex in the triangle — can sometimes claim mitigating circumstances. They didn’t know he was married, or he claimed his marriage was over. They were gaslighted by the cheater.

But let’s face it, there is an entire world of people who aren’t married out there. So make it your goal not to date any of the ones who are, and if you find out he or she is married, move on.

There is a clear and simple solution to what some would prefer to frame as a more complicated decision.

Sometimes we want things that we shouldn’t have. It can be hard to say no, lust is a strong driving force.

But it is always a choice.

So choose self-control and say no to yourself. Integrity might be an old fashioned word, but it’s not an outdated concept. I guarantee your self-esteem will thank you for it in the long run.

If you find out he or she is married, end the relationship.

Even if it’s really hard.

Even if you don’t want to.

You will never, and can never be judged as harshly as the cheater, but it’s not honourable behaviour. Do better for yourself, even if you don’t care about the other people you’re involved in harming.

What About Reciprocal Cheating?

To paraphrase something a friend once said “If you’ve been cheated on, your marriage is already fucked, so you might as well be.”

I do feel a certain sympathy for reciprocal cheaters. If the marriage vows are already in the dustbin, the relationship is already tainted, and you’re not the root cause, it can be tempting to say “Why wouldn’t I?”

I thought seriously about cheating after finding out my ex husband wasn’t to be trusted, but ultimately kept my integrity.

It matters if you are the injured party who is retaliating, or who feels their relationship is no longer to be revered because of the betrayal, rather than the liar who chose to destroy the union in the first place.

But t’s still better for your own integrity, dignity and self-worth, not to cheat.

And if this is how you’re feeling about your relationship, in my opinion it’s irretrievably tainted and tarnished anyway, and you’d do better to hold your head up high and hang on to your ethics as you walk out of the door.

Normalising The Abnormal

Gaslighting is a phrase that’s been greatly overused over the years - but cheaters who try to lay the blame anywhere but at their own feet are indeed gaslighting their victims.

I do not accept the attempted normalisation of any abuse.

It is not normal to choose repeatedly to lie to someone who trusts you.

If you cheat, then day in, day out, for the rest of your life, you will know you did something foul and unfixable to someone who trusted you. At best (for the cheater) if you don’t get caught, you have to live with what you did to someone who believed in you, forever.

If you think you can live with that, good luck to you.

It taints everything.

Options

You have other options. Don’t lower yourself to cheating.

Again, this is in the context of a relationship entered into by choice, and I am making the assumption it is safe to discuss the situation.

If you feel the relationship is at an end and you’re very strongly drawn to another person, give the person whom you promised to love and care for the respect and kindness of leaving them first, before you choose to cheat.

Let there be a gap, however small, between the leaving and sharing fluids with the next person.

Or talk to your partner, let them know your plans. Yes, it might cause you some strife, and will likely end the relationship. But at least you’re offering them the same opportunities you are grabbing for yourself.

I would never try to convince anyone to stay in an unhappy marriage. We get one life, and we all deserve the chance to seek happiness. But when you seek that happiness at the expense of others, you cross a line that changes everything, forever.

Allow the person whom you promised to love, support and share your life with to retain their dignity and offer them basic human respect by not cheating.

Rationalising The Irrational

What we do to our significant others matters. Or nobody and nothing matters. Choose one.

We rarely discuss the ethics of cheating, we don’t make it clear what cheating is, and we no longer seem to admonish cheaters much at all, accepting instead vagueries and justifications.

I think that’s a mistake.

Being clear about what cheating really is and what it really does might not change a thing — but obfuscating and condoning cruel practices certainly normalises abnormal behaviour.

It’s not natural and it should not be considered normal to betray people who trust you, people you’ve made promises and commitments to. And it’s pretty sad that I have to actually point that out.

Of course, those who don’t care and will never care. Narcissists will narcissist.

Clarity and rationality are two things cheaters would prefer to avoid. They prefer not to face the harm they’ve inflicted and would rather view themselves through a kinder lens than they deserve.

Crime and Punishment

I’m not trying to punish anyone, and I’m not interested in punishment for cheaters, though I fully understand the individual need for that for some who have been betrayed.

I just want to fashion a clear, rational statement in response to the hypocritical nonsense often spun around the subject of betrayal.

We’re all protagonists in our own stories. But no matter how you spin it, or wish it, you won’t ever reinvent yourself as the hero if you cheat.

In Conclusion

Cheaters are liars, and liars are dangerous. Yes, there is a spectrum of cheating, but the ethical and decent stance is to try to stay off the spectrum altogether.

You always have the choice not to cheat.

Nothing positive comes from deceiving and emotionally abusing people who trust you.

You’re not an exceptional case. You don’t have special dispensation. You don’t have plausible deniability. But, like every one of us, you have choices.

I suggest you choose to do the right thing. Choose not to cheat. But if you won’t do that, at the very least spare the world your lame justifications.

You’re fooling nobody - not even yourself.

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Feel the need to try the Don’t Judge Me approach? I already have that covered: