Alison, this was a beautiful read. I’ve had lots of challenging things happen since my mum died when I was 33. Dad’s dementia, my ex deciding to leave, Dom unable to stay. Lost a cat and a dog too in amongst all that…not Earth-shattering in the great scheme of things but your feelings about the important part they play in our lives and loss resonated too. But I credit my mum with the fact that I’ve managed to find a way back to myself. Not only was she personally resilient, I did most definitely feel loved. And that is the bedrock we need…for which I am grateful. That and the fact that my newish partner (10 years and hoping for many more) doesn’t regard domestic labour as beneath him 🤪
I did not share the bond with my mother that you describe; in her lifetime she was never observed offering anything resembling nurturing behavior to any of her 5 children.
However, I am grateful that you did experience that, and that in your own very unique voice, you are able to share your memories and feelings in a way that lets me know that the love between a mother and child can be as real as anything else this world has to offer.
As the parent of 3, I have done my level best to love my children. I sincerely hope I have given them something that will sustain them as well as give them something to build on for their own families.
I have two writer friends who had a very bad time with their mother as children. I thought of them as I was writing that piece. I thought of adding an addendum, but I couldn't find the write one.
There was a second part to "Nobody loves you like your mother" that my mum occasionally said. When she read or heard of any story about a mum who had failed or harmed her children, she would say "If your own mother doesn't love you, who will?" She meant that the one person in the entire world you should be able to trust to nurture you and keep you safe should be your mother - and what must that do to a person, to not have that safety net.
It was almost beyond belief to her that women existed who did not - but she knew they existed. As a nurse at Leverndale psychiatric facility she met a mother who had murdered her children in a fit of "depression". Not depressed enough to kill herself as well though, she noted. Mum was generally compassionate towards mentally ill people in an era when many were not - but hurting children was always her line.
Anyway, I wanted to add that I know that not everyone has experienced a mother's love and find a way to address that, and I think that perhaps I will.
Yes, she was good at letting me fly off, but now I realise what it cost her, and I wish I could go back and talk to her knowing what I know now of trauma, of motherhood and of loss. Thank you for your comment :)
Alison, this was a beautiful read. I’ve had lots of challenging things happen since my mum died when I was 33. Dad’s dementia, my ex deciding to leave, Dom unable to stay. Lost a cat and a dog too in amongst all that…not Earth-shattering in the great scheme of things but your feelings about the important part they play in our lives and loss resonated too. But I credit my mum with the fact that I’ve managed to find a way back to myself. Not only was she personally resilient, I did most definitely feel loved. And that is the bedrock we need…for which I am grateful. That and the fact that my newish partner (10 years and hoping for many more) doesn’t regard domestic labour as beneath him 🤪
I did not share the bond with my mother that you describe; in her lifetime she was never observed offering anything resembling nurturing behavior to any of her 5 children.
However, I am grateful that you did experience that, and that in your own very unique voice, you are able to share your memories and feelings in a way that lets me know that the love between a mother and child can be as real as anything else this world has to offer.
As the parent of 3, I have done my level best to love my children. I sincerely hope I have given them something that will sustain them as well as give them something to build on for their own families.
Thank you.
I have two writer friends who had a very bad time with their mother as children. I thought of them as I was writing that piece. I thought of adding an addendum, but I couldn't find the write one.
There was a second part to "Nobody loves you like your mother" that my mum occasionally said. When she read or heard of any story about a mum who had failed or harmed her children, she would say "If your own mother doesn't love you, who will?" She meant that the one person in the entire world you should be able to trust to nurture you and keep you safe should be your mother - and what must that do to a person, to not have that safety net.
It was almost beyond belief to her that women existed who did not - but she knew they existed. As a nurse at Leverndale psychiatric facility she met a mother who had murdered her children in a fit of "depression". Not depressed enough to kill herself as well though, she noted. Mum was generally compassionate towards mentally ill people in an era when many were not - but hurting children was always her line.
Anyway, I wanted to add that I know that not everyone has experienced a mother's love and find a way to address that, and I think that perhaps I will.
Thank you for your comment.
Oh, this! So beautiful, Alison. A valentine to mothers everywhere.
Thank you so much. I think we could do with a bit more recognition for the completely unique position and bond mothers hold and have in our hearts.
Yes, she was good at letting me fly off, but now I realise what it cost her, and I wish I could go back and talk to her knowing what I know now of trauma, of motherhood and of loss. Thank you for your comment :)